[THE HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT FROM HAZEL IS GOING ALONG FINE…THE PROJECT…APPARANTLY, WILL TAKE A BIT MORE TIME…THIS IS THE FIRST OF TWO POSTS THAT ARE BEING GIVEN AS EXTRA EXCERPTS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE INCLUDED FOR PUBLISHING WHEN THE TIME COMES….YOU CAN DO AND THINK AND FEEL ABOUT IT AS YOU WILL….I AM WHO AND WHAT I AM, AFTER ALL…AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS….IT MATTERS NOT ANYMORE WHAT ANYONE ELSE FEELS OR THINKS ABOUT ANY OF IT…YES…I’VE REACHED THAT POINT…THANK GOD…SO ANYWAY…HERE IS #1 OF 2…]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
This was a question that I have been asked almost daily for years. i never really knew how to answer at any given moment.
What did i want, anyway? Whenever they asked me, the answer always seemed to whatever was needed at the moment, most of the time, anyway. Of course there were those moments when i just got sick of it and replied that it didn’t matter what he wanted. None of it was up to me anyway. i only got what i asked for if it was deemed acceptable. That was how i saw it anyway……..i wanted to be tight with GOD, BFFF, compadres, comrades, confidants…….but i knew that it was a moot point. GOD already knew all and everything about him, past, present and future. i only knew whatever i could handle at any given moment about GOD. The THING was immense, after all…infinite, eternal, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent…i had figured out how all of that worked….i got that far with it…i understood that it was friendly, loving, giving, forgiving, approachable, likeable, loveable, adorable….GOD was a good guy…..IT really was a Father and Best Friend Forever…..but you had to be the same for IT as IT was for you. IT couldn’t really do with you much more than you were willing to do with it. IT could give on iTs level, back to you, from ITs perspective and position, the same attention that you were willing to give to IT. At the same time IT was always trying to help you to get there….there…that somewhere that you were apparently designed for, to be and to do….IT was always right there with you, the whole time, willing and able and ready to whatever it took to guide you as lovingly as possible into that slot that was only meant for you.
But there was always that nagging question
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I want to be free
I want to know what real freedom is and I want that freedom
I want to be with you people…out there…over there…wherever you are in the difference of perception that always seems to separate us so that I can’t see you most of the time and the few glimpses that I have had, are fleeting, like out of the corner of my eye and I turn to look and it’s gone [cue Pink Floyd]
And so…yes….i make myself comfortably numb……because I don’t know what to do to get to where I am supposed to be in order to do what I am supposed to do
And I know that I am getting there
Step by step
Inch by inch
And that’s all well and good
But what do I want?
I want this to be over with
I want this slavery and oppression to be over with
I want these….false things that insist that they are human when they’re not….gone
However to where ever…I don’t’ care anymore
I don’t wish harm to anyone
Even thought they would have no problem with harming all and anyone….
But, but, but
I want to be free
Free from slavery in all of its forms
My mind is free
And still I hold onto the things that chain me
Because I have learned to enjoy them
The sex, the drugs, the rock and roll
The TV and movies and video games
The thrill of it
I don’t know anything else
I don’t know what freedom is
I’ve never experienced it here
But I want it
I want it because of what I feel it is and could be and should be and would be
And I don’t really know
The real reality
I want freedom from limitation
But my mind isn’t disciplined enough to handle it
The power the power of having what you think….as reality
The real reality that I always imagined
Never knowing if it was really real or not
Like those episodes of Bewitched….that I used to watch on TV…
That show ruined me for life
I knew it wasn’t real
But I knew that was the way we were supposed to be
The way that I was supposed to be and not this false illusion of a false reality that I and we and us have been forced to endure and accept enough to believe in
And I never believed in it enough to accept it….
We are creators, dammit……we are supposed to be creators
Not just materially and physically and artistically and musically
But mentally and soulfully and spiritually…..creators…not just creative…creators….
To create like GOD creates
And the whole experience of learning and exploring and discovering how to do and be that
To do as be is…..as GOD is…….
Maybe not being able to do it all in just one little human life on earth is what’s killing me…..
What do I want?
That’s what I want
To be my real self
To be my true self
All of it in full
Full power all the time
Is that even possible
Can I still be here and do stuff like that?
How does it all work anyway?
I’m just beginning to learn this aspect of it all
But I will get there….
Dunno where or what I will be when I finally grok the thing enough to be and do the thing
But the thing is mine and I will be one with it
That’s all I know
I don’t know what it will take to get there
I only know that I will get there
Because of myself and in spate of myself
I will get there
That’ all I know
What do I want?
I want to be there already.
Like I had been this way…..that way…all along
Knowing exactly what to do and be and how and when and where and why to do it
Because I will have that thing back that I gave up when I came here
I will be who and what I am really am….once again
I in i
We as one
As we have always been
As we really are
How’s that for a final answer?